My white horse

I could write a book about my marriage. It would be a great page turner. Instead theirs this song by Taylor Swift, White Horse. This song explains it all.

I will have a happy ending one day with a man I'll call my Prince Charming. He may even have a white horse.

My life all summed up.

My marriage is over but my life isn't.

~Cheat on me once sham on you.

~Cheat on me twice, three times shame on me.

What do you see?

My reflection in the mirror have always been a silent silhouette. Today is different, I can see the real me. I even have the ability now to face my fears, my hope and my dreams. I can change the contour of everything I thought I was and with no regrets put one foot in front of the other......finally.


Psalm 23
A psalm of David. 1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6 Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Feb 25th 2009

I had a birthday and it was all about me. Thanks Lisa your the bomb

Amazing Friends

I have some amazing friends. One very special friend sent this email to me. With no name this friend is a true angel in my life. Just at the right time the Lord only knows ( and maybe his angels too )


Kelly,
I was reading through your blog and decided I just had to write to you. I know you miss him. I know the kids are dying inside (I've been that little kid). I know. I also know. Our God is so big. He is holding you. He is holding the kids. He is holding Chad. All at the same time. Did you get that? That is a big thing. You ARE together. You ARE incredibly close. It can't get closer than that. Because God can touch all the inner places within you that Chad can't reach while He is also touching all the inner places of Chad that you can't reach. That is HUGE!!!!
Yes, we miss their touch. Yes, we miss hearing them laugh. Yes, we miss the sound of them coming home. Yes, we miss watching them with our children. But this, right here, this moment, is a defining moment. THIS tells you where you are. THIS tells you everything. From your relationship with Chad all the way to your relationship with friends and family. THIS shows your strengths and your weaknesses (which is only God's way of showing you where improvements could be made). THIS will be turning point for your kids. For them to remember and to grow by learning about life's challenges and struggles (which is better for them to learn under your guiding care than out in the world where they might come to much more harm). God has laid this out for us. Who do we think we are to challenge that (and you bet your best hockey stick that I'm preaching to myself here)? Remember what happens to those that rebel against God's plans. THIS will be a time in life that you, Chad and the kids will NEVER forget. This isn't a time to wallow. This isn't a time to waste on our selfish desire to scream at our inner pain. Lord willing, this is a short time for us to take advantage of to better ourselves, better our children, and better our husbands. We are their helpmeet. THIS time is our chance to give them everything they need to take care of US. They are doing this for us. They are alone. They are away from everything dear. They are away from every little thing that means home. Their struggles don't need us sitting here dragging them down. They need us to be strong and supportive. And not the fake kind. The kind that comes from God standing behind us. The kind that says "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." The kind that has our men knowing that they are incredibly missed but that they don't have to worry we are about to fall apart under the pressure. I think that is THE best gift to send to Chad. Support. Not the "go get'em tiger" support that usually comes to mind. The quiet kind. The iron rod in their spine kind. The kind that makes them feel like a superhero. Which they are.
I'm not saying that any of this is easy. Not saying that any of this is something I've come close to doing myself. I struggle EVERY DAY with this. But EVERY DAY God is there. EVERY DAY I can turn to Him to wipe my tears, catch my fainting heart, prop me up while I pull myself together, and hold my kids in the mean time. EVERY DAY I beg for the time to go by faster. But EVERY DAY, I realize is a day I can't waste being sad. Every day while my husband is gone is a day of our life he misses. A day that I would be remiss to let slip by as I have to enjoy it for the both of us. And like you say, every day is one day closer to being together again.
We owe it to God, our husbands, ourselves, and our children to use this defining time well. I know we are up to the challenge. I love you and if there is anything I can do to help....

Nothing's forsure

I smelled a crayon today. It took me back more than a few years. I thought about when I was a little girl. What was life like then, well I'll tell you what I thought about. I'll tell you what I miss.

My Dad, he screams my name and you can hear it for blocks. It's time for dinner. Dinner at my house was great. When we would sit at the table as a family. Morgan and Patrick made it so hard, all they had to do was eat and swallow. I didn't mind if they left food on there plates because then I was aloud to have it. After dinner there was always desert. Maybe even a soccer game to get to. I miss those soccer games. I loved making my Dad proud.

Did I want to share a room with my sister? No, not at the time. If I could go back maybe I would have never put that line down the middle of the room to keep her off of my side. I miss my little sister being my (little sis). I miss riding our bike to nowhere. I want those days back.

My Mama, why is she MY mom. Well of course the Lord willed it that way. I'm so lucky she's my mom. She never gave up on me. Thanks for keeping me. It seems that love will always prevail, am I right? I had a Mom that made being a kid so much fun. I miss the summers. I remember long days on the beach. I remember some the best drip castle's

My brother always smelled. I mean he smelled bad! I want another game of street hockey on William St. He played his heart out that's why he smelled so bad. But what I wouldn't do to have some Rollerblades and my baby brother.

I miss Molly and Sara. I miss Dad doing my hair every morning. I miss the oyster roast. I miss our weekend cleaning the house listening to The Mama and the Papa's. I miss going to school. I miss Pit St. I miss Krystal Karlish. I miss the marsh. I miss Marty and Boppy. I miss Christmas. I miss the smell of crayons. I miss my life.

Can I really endure this life or was I meant to miss so much. Someone shake me!

taggy

Im thinking to myself Bodhi may want to wear a taggy in his senior picture.

Todays verse

Proverbs 8:33 - Listen to my instruction and be wise
Listen to my instruction and be wise;do not ignore it.

Commentary
Following wisdom is an act of faithful and obedient service. This is reminiscent of Joshua's call to the people of Israel to serve the Lord and forsake other gods (Josh. 24:14, 15). Wisdom offers long-term satisfaction and leads to life, while folly, which brings immediate gratification, ultimately leads to death.

weekends can be hard

Snow day at Lisa's church was great. We stayed until everyone left and then had the entire place to ourselves. The kids had so much fun. I had a blast, too

Be Cool

This is one of Reagan's birthday present. Her new shirts reads Be Wise & Cool Save Water. Heeheeheee

I'm on the floor agian

I'm praying agian.......................................

Thanks Lisa your my angel

Dinner

Dinner at the Clifton's. The kids crack eggs. Mama cuts the ham, just not as good as Aunt Christine does. Then Carlos cuts the ham. Oh and I'm always left cleaning the mess. Now the kitchen's closed.

WHO STEALS A BIRTHDAY CAKE

Who steals a birthday cake.

Do I have bad luck or am I to emotional. Maybe it is wrong to steal a little girls birthday cake. You tell me.

Kids For Christ is a group at church that consist of 3 to 12 year old's. We do things with the kids like Sunday nights P.J party. The point was letting the kids wear there P.J and watch a movie. My plan was to slip in a birthday cake for Reagan. This was me being cheap really.

I managed to spend $25.21 on everything we needed. All I had to my name was $25.00. I got to church and put everything in the kitchen and I had to leave the kids and run back home. I wasn't going to do all this and not have any pictures. I must have been in a rush because I left home without my camera.

When I got back to the church the cake was GONE. I played it cool for a while. I checked all the refrigerator and asked around. No one had any clue what happened to Reagan's cake. The first person to tell me "just go buy another one" I wanted to choke his neck. I'm mad and on fire at this point. I know that if Chad was here he would have found the cake and beat someone ass for making his wife upset. So it came down to just getting my kids and at this point leaving church and never coming back. The look on Reagan's face when I told her that her cake was gone was pure pitiful. One of my dear friends there at this moment offered to take me and get another cake. Yes, she saved the day. I didn't get any pictures because I got the camera but not the memory stick. Tell me that's not messed up.

The kids had a great time and as for the missing cake. It never showed up.

I love Lisa

My girlfriend Lisa and I. I love her and then some. ;)

I am just going to start leaving for you my daily verses I read from biblegateway.com. This was today's. 1 Corinthians 9:24 (New International Version)
24Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

God is good.

A father's love

A father's love

Feb 13th, 2002 my journal reads

We saw Dr. Rhett this morning my blood pressure was high and my cervix is still one centimeter. Dr.Rhett said "well......let's go have us a baby today" Grammie and looked at each other and our mouths dropped.

10:00 am Grammie get's Daddy on the phone.I told him the news. He was jumping off the walls
10:15 They wheel us over to labor and delivery.
10:30 pressure is still high
12:00 called everyone and told them the doctor just want's to watch me.
1:00 Watched Day's of our Lives
2:00 Daddy's here and he's so cute. he has camera's, pillow and even food.
3:00 watched Happy Gilmore
4:45 Reagan has the hiccups
5:00 Pressure is 124 over 64
5:30 SuSu, Pat and MoMo come by
6:10 Dinner came and I didn't eat it ( that's weird )
7:30 Mommy got real sick. I started shaking real bad. The Doctors and nurses came running in. Cervix is 2cm and 80%. Dr. Joseph said were having a baby.
9:30 Felt some PAIN
10:00 Start pitocen
10:05 started Lady and Tramp
10:30 First real contraction
11:30 got epidural. Daddy went into shock and ran to the bathroom. I held my bunny that Susu gave me and did it all alone.
12:00 got some sleep
Feb 14th
2:15 The pain is back
3:00 The doctor is called
3:20 Water broke
4:00 Dr. Joseph said Im 7 cm
4:30 I'm 10 cm and I feel the need to push. Now Morgan and Mom are here.
4:35 Grammie gets the call to hurry up.
4:40 Im pushing none stop. No time to rest. DR. Joseph said it will be awhile
4:50 I can see Reagan's head in the mirror. Then seconds later she's out.

Welcome Reagan Dyer 6lbs 14oz

God Is Pointing His Finger at Me

Romans 8:38-39 (New International Version)
38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Barbie is such a hand full.

1st She calls from the ER and ask for a ride back home. She's been there all morning getting stitches in her leg.

2nd She droves on base and breaks down so then has the police bring her to me and the front gate.

3rd She insist on going to the grocery store to get a ham sense their marked down.

Now this is what we consider a feild trip day when you home school.

love loss hope repeat

These are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. Love Loss Hope Repeat by Carbon Leaf
Take a walk down town And dream with me We'll walk the parks and the empty streets You know the seasons otta Be Love Loss Hope Repeat
We're alone in a crowded room Silhouetted in and ready to bloom You know the seasons otta be Love loss hope repeat And when then high wind blows everything Like the lion attacking spring I love you more than I'll ever let on And that's a fault of mine I'm workin on I'm workin on
Take a walk downtown Remember the days that would never end So much time you couldn't comprehend When the sun so slow to fade And tomorrow was more of the same
And the easiest April Rain Was enough to ignite the flame And you fade out with a grin With the company you were in
And when the high wind blows everything Like a lion attacking the spring I love you more than I'll ever let on And that's a fault of mine I'm workin on I'm workin on
And when the sky's a dusky hue And everything is bottle blue I love you more than I ever let on And that's a fault of mine I m workin on I'm workin on
Take a walk down town And jump the train line down And then turn around at the edge of town Or continue down to the other side And ride and ride till we see our lives And see our lives from outside our city walls And darkened halls And the lonely calls And when we turn aroundAnd head back in Everything will be new again Everything will be new
And when the high wind blows everything Like the lion attacking the spring I love you more than I'll ever let on And that's a fault of mine I'm workin on I'm workin on
And when the sky's a dusky hue And everything is bottle blue I love you more than I ever let on And that's a fault of mine I m workin on I'm workin on Take a walk downtown

37 weeks

Feb 12, 2002
Today is Grandpa's 79th birthday and our first day of bed rest. I ask Barbie if she would come over and take my blood pressure. It was 140 over 105 so we called Dr. Osborne. He said everything is fine until tomorrow. I did send Daddy out to get some candy. I also took 4 different bath's today. My back was hurting but I don't think it was contractions.

It is such a paradox that the most intangible part of me is the most tangible. Your thoughts are so real they are surreal. Its a strange thing to wrap your mind around, your thoughts aren't real. Your emotions aren't real. Its a bunch of chemicals your brain is spewing out in hopes to keep you thinking thinking thinking. The same thing trying to keep you alive is driving you crazy.

My Lord has told me I will never give you more than you can handle. Can I really handle Chad being gone four months.

When the days get hard

I had an amazing moment with my beautiful son this morning and Reagan captured it in this picture. We had the radio on and I was lost in the words. The song that plays now, I'm not alright by Sanctus Real was playing. While in my thoughts Bodhi walked straight to me and asked me to hold him just as you see in the picture. My heart is so broken and I'm not alright. But it's moments like this that make it so much better. My kids are my mended heart.

Hang in there Chad

February 11, 2002

My journal for Feb 11, 2002 began like this.

There's a lot to tell you about today. My doctor's appointment was at 3pm. I sat in the waiting room with Daddy. He finally got to feel you have the hiccups. Dr. Rhett's nurse took my blood pressure. It was really high 145 over 100. Dr . Rhett said I was 50% and 1 centimeter. He said my blood pressure was to high and I needed to be on bed rest. They put us on fetal heart monitor and said you sound great in there. Then we had an ultrasound. You are now 5 pounds on the dot. The bad part is I weigh ---(sorry had to leave that part out). I keep telling myself it's all water weight. Now, we rest and come back tomorrow. Then I tried to draw a little picture of how you were laying in my tummy. It kind of looked like this.

God is good

Ecclesiastes 7:14 - When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this.
When times are good, be happy;but when times are bad, consider:God has made the one as well as the other.Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future.

I read this today. After the chicken with his head cut off story. God is good

My kids know were chicken nuggets come from because we have a picture of a dead chicken on the frig. Kind of morbid, I know. I got this pic out of a magazine and put it there after learning that our kids are growing up stupid.

High school kids can't tell you what body of ocean we live next to. Some kids think fruits and veggies come form the supermarket. So know my kids know that chicken nuggets come from chicken. It's as simple as that. I'm keeping my kids best interest at heart.

Well the point is. I looked and this chicken hanging on the frig and then decided I feel like chicken with my head cut off.

Woe is me.

I really do miss you.

When we open our eyes

We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit.
1 John 4:13

My heart broke today

My heart broke today when it fell off the shelf in Bodhi's room. I'm so sad. I have had it since I was a little girl. I'm holding on to the fact that you can't take it with you when you go. The Lord may meet me at the gates in heaven with a new heart that has never been broken. The truth is my heart is aching. I miss you, Chad.

Tell Me Vision

Daddy, we have removed the tell me lies to my vision(aka the TV) from Reagan's room. I'm proud of the kids for letting it go. I think they always knew it wasn't going to last. I don't think you should have a TV in the bedroom. Do you follow me? Probably not, you put the thing in their.

I'm finding myself trying to make life simple. I think that's why I took over your side of the closet already. Reagan is getting her room clean and Bodhi is trying to do the same. I am even considering putting all the socks in the trash, so I don't ever have to match sock again. Do they have sock ladies that will come to your house and do this for you? I'll check it out. Then maybe, we will keep the socks.

To many socks! That's a rich man's problem.

Syda

William, just an old fart

Sadie 5 months old

Just Say No To Drugs

Chad was vaccinated yesterday. They told him he had no choice. He needed their liquid science shot to go to Iraq. He thinks their intention was good but now for a few facts.

An average of 13,000 reports of neurological and autoimmune trauma following on the heels of vaccination. Since the 1930s, when children often received just one vaccination, many immunizations have contained a 49.6 percent mercury preservative called thimerosal. Most children today receive 33 doses of 10 vaccines by age 5, generally receiving several vaccines per visit on their immunization schedules. Reports surfaced in 1999 that infants being vaccinated using multi-dose vials, such as hepatitis B and MMR (measles, mumps and rubella), with thimerosal can receive 62.5 micrograms of mercury per visit. This is 100 times the exposure federal Environmental Protection Guidelines consider safe for the average-sized infant, as mercury is known to cause neurotoxicity and brain damage that mirrors the symptoms of autism.

He gave us a good thing

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Timing is everthing

Galatians 6:9
So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.

My Eco Friendly Kids

The key to saving our Planet Earth. It's a 4 year old future Fish and Wildlife advocate . The key to saving our clean water supply is Reagan Clifton. A future Green Peace advocate.

In the core of me I truly hate balloons. Why is this you ask. I think it is a waste of rubber latex. Rubber Latex pollutes our Earth and fills the landfills faster than you can say "neeeecomepoop". I put that part in for the kids.

Now, to the funny part. Bodhi ended up bring home a balloon that Papa gave him. He walked outside with it and it flew away. Next came the tears. It was flying away and all he could say to his mother was " oh man...... I want my balloon back"! "It might kill a dolphin". I want to console him but I can't I'm laughing to hard. Oh and I'm pissed now that there might be a small chance this balloon will make it to the ocean and kill a dolphin.

Now, I have some how instilled in my kids not to let the water run when you brush your teeth. In all if you collected all that water you could provide fresh water to any third world country where people die from tainted water. I'm not perfect but I never leave the water running.

Well, last night I was pulling my hair back and brushing my teeth at the same time. I had no free hand to turn the water off. It was killing me inside but I continued brushing. Reagan tells me " Mama your wasting clean water". Again, I'm laughing so hard I almost wet myself.

What will it be next?

8 Seconds

You know how when you ride a bull you have 8 seconds. That's what William has in him if you put him in our bed. If he even gives you 7.2 seconds he's showing you he loves you. On a good day he's like a cat in water. You drop him in and he jumps right out. Now William just wants his own space, I think. I gave it one more try tonight. I picked him up and put him in the bed. I was waiting for that 8 seconds buzzer. I timed it Daddy. He stayed in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. He even put his head on my leg. (William, my little Benji )

God Speed

Homeschool Exclaimer

I need pictures like I NEED a hole in the head. So when it's time for school picture's brake out the big buck's. I NEED those pictures. Call me crazy but how in the hell do you get school picture's when you homeschool. OK so think...... think....... think......think some more. Oh take them yourself, if you dare.

It was so painful for Bodhi to do this. I did resort to talking about alligators in a baby voice. I managed to make him cry and turn red. Perfect for pictures.

Reagan is........................perfect. She wouldn't stop. Hints the class picture of Kit the amazing American Girl.

Package A: 8x10-5x7-wallet-----$45.00

Package B: 4x5-wallet-----------$35.00

Taking the picture's yourself------priceless

HEAD LINES FROM HOUSTON

Chad has not made the nightly news. Although he has made a friend. ;)

Both funny and sad.

Well, what's sad is your not sleeping next to me at night. What's funny is I now get to hear Reagan farting in the morning.

What's sad is you had to get on that plain. What's funny is you could make your Dad poop his pants at the airport.

What's sad is I miss you coming home at night. What's funny is when Carlos comes home. I can jump out of the closet and scare the crap out of him. He never saw it coming. heeheehee

What's sad is how much the kids and I miss you. What's funny (we actually miss you).

What's sad is I think I like driving your old truck. What's funny about that?

What's sad is your missing all my home cooked meals. What funny is watching Carlos eat my organic content in his dinner.

One day closer to Daddy coming home.

I bet that's my Daddy

Bodhi is an amazing kid. He has kept a smile on my face all day. Bodhi spotted a plane from the car. He pointed and said " I bet that's my Daddy".

Bodhi still thinks your coming home. He asked me last night, "When is Daddy coming home"?

" It's getting dark".

The kids have played outside today. All Bodhi wants to do is go in Carlos' room. He wants more toys.

Reagan is counting down the days until her birthday. All she wants is an American Girl book.

OH and to keep her nite nite forever.

Carlos had some very nice guys over here today. They where here to wire up the bathroom. And after that old man was so rude to me today, it made my day.

One more day closer to Daddy coming home.

It's dark is Daddy home, yet?

We get to talk one last time before his plane leaves. He's tring to cover the same tears we cry. Reagan understands what has happened to us. She has no control over her tears. She saw a single plane take off and began clawing at the sky. My heart is breaking for her and I can't do anything to fix it.

Then, there was a cute race to the truck. Bodhi beats Carlos by a long shot. GO BODHI! We load up in the truck and Bodhi then realises Dad is gone. He turns to the window sucking his thumb. I asked him if he was ok. All he mumbled was "this is stupid". We took the kids to Barbie and she knew exactly what to do.

1. Give them baby talk

2. Lots of hugs

3. She says the word LOVE after everything

4. Ask them "what can I do my love" a million times

5. Gives Reagan her spear nite nite

6. Candy before their meal.

7. Cartoons

8. Ask them what they want for x-mas next year

9. Chicken nuggets meals

10. Candy after the meal.

Barbie saved the day, Daddy.